Thursday, August 18, 2011

Snark - it's what's for breakfast

I am not a morning person. 

I don't understand why the sun insists on rising so early every day, and wish it would sleep in and stay up a little later at night.  So, as you might suspect, I tend to be a bit snarky in the morning.
Okay, before anyone outs me, I am snarky all the time; but after many years of practice, I manage to contain my snarkiness to acceptable levels most of the time.
Beware of the pre-morning coffee snark though.  It can be relentless. 
This blog could just as easily be named 'Coffee O'Clock' because it is another necessary moment of life in my household.  But my love for a cuppa java is a story for another time . . .

This morning I slept in a little (thank you to my wonderful husband and a cold that kept The Chicklet in bed a little longer than, did I just give thanks to my child being ill?  Child services, you can ignore that comment) so my snark level was not in the red zone.  Had it been in the red zone, I would never have gotten past hitting the 'block' button, and missed out on this entire conversation.

I poured my coffee and sat down to sift through my emails.

* bing *
Me, in all my glory and snark.  A very common snarl given to all who dare to do something dumb or irritating before I have had my cup of coffee.  Oh, thank goodness my hand is so close to the camera that I appear to have Fred Flintstone hands . . . joy.

I have an instant message from Peggy Smith, do I want to accept it?
Sure, why not . . .

Excerpt from actual instant message chat:

PS:  Hi, how are you?
ME: Who is this?
PS:  I like to meet new people and chat, I found you in the directory.
ME: Uh-huh, and what made you think I would be a good candidate for your morning chat?
PS:  Where are you from?
ME: Earth, and you?
PS:  Very nice, I am 19, do you mind if I ask you a question?
ME: (apparently my earth comment has not phased this person) Sure, keep on phishing, I am 19 too (snicker) but I have to warn you, I can only answer earth related questions.  I have not brushed up on my intergalactic facts.
PS:  Would you like to see me?  We can do a camera chat.

* at this point I freeze in terror.  Can this idiot initiate a video chat without my permission?  I am sitting here with tangled hair piled on top of my head, no makeup, no bra, and my pajama shirt.  A hot mess of a combination on earth or elsewhere. (Ah yes, my husband is a very lucky man)

ME: Not really, I have not had my coffee yet and am not sure I will react with an acceptable level of couth if you look like a glob of slime with eyes and a mouth, or some other equally repulsive feature an intergalactic being might have.
PS:  Check out my website (insert link to what I am sure is soft core porn here)
ME:  No thanks.  I have my personal satellite focused on your home right now.  No need for a link to see you.
PS:  I am 19 and looking to chat with new people, click on my link.
ME:  You seem to have difficulty understanding the English language.  It's okay, don't feel bad.  Many on Earth have trouble with it even when it is their first language.  I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you, especially when you have a full time job in the porn industry.  Leaves very little time for studying I am sure.
PS:  Yes, nice, chat live with me, click the link
ME:  I told you, I have no use for your link.  My satellite is now focused on your location and . . . hey, I can see you are neither a 19 year old, nor a girl. 
PS:  It is free and easy.  Just click on the link (insert same link here)
ME:  Knock knock . . . look out your window.  I can see you, can you see me? 
ME:  Listen, you slimy pervert, it's been fun and all; but I have things to do.  Be sure to put some pants on.  The men in black are probably en route to your location right now.  I contacted them and reported suspicious actions by an illegal intergalactic alien.

*Peggy Smith is now offline*

Well, 40 year old male shut-in, AKA:  Peggy Smith, now that I had some fun, you are hereby blocked.

Ah, the fun to be had while having my cup of coffee.  Snark, it's what's for breakfast.

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